Ho, Ho, Ho.

What I want for Christmas:

Books.

Blardy, Blardy, Blar.

Today was one of those days where I feel it was well spent.
I did a lot. Shopping, movie seeing, shopping again, making salsa, wrapping presents, and joking around with my mommy.
Now I'm going to be cliche and say that I have a lot to be thankful for.
Well, I do.
My parents are the greatest out there.
I have friends who I treasure dearly and are always by my side.
One of my best friends is my boyfriend, that seems rare these days.
God has blessed me. That in itself says enough.
If God blesses you, then it has to be good.
My family is coming in any minute now, so I better be prepared to meet and greet.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!
So, thanks. For reading this.

Brr.

I am starting to like this whole Fall/Winter business.
Just slightly though.

You're what I need.

God is so great.
In the stillest, calmest of moments He speaks to my heart in a way like none other.
He reassures me and embraces me with an incomparable peace.

Yesterday I was very bummed out and felt useless,
then today He reminded me of His love yet again.
He always does, I just don't want to see it.
Silly, huh?

I need to get off of here and spend some time with Him.
He deserves it.

Bah Humbug.

My life is moving incredibly slow at the moment.
But really fast at the same time.
It's strange.

I'm excited that we're almost done fixing my room and bathroom.
This basement is pretty dang creepy sometimes...

There is so much that I want to do and get done,
I just lack motivation in large amounts.
Oh, well.

That's about it,
nothing interesting, as usual.
(:

:D

Guard is tomorrow!
Then Lindsey's birthday shindig.



I want to do this.

Yeah.

Well it's Tuesday and I'm sitting here on my parent's kings size bed, watching House and trying to get started on a biology project.
I think I may have caught up on some sleep from Elevate.
Elevate. It was amazing.
I knew it would be, it always is.
If I wrote everything that happened, I'm afraid this blog would be incredibly long.
So I won't.
But I do want to say that God is truly amazing. I experienced a heavy, heavy dose of His love.
I felt His arms wrap around me, but at the same time breaking some chains.
Words could never describe the experience I had Saturday night.
It was... awesome. To put it lightly.
(:
I'm sick though. Thanks to Elevate as well.
It was worth it. Definitely.
I can't think ver straight, so my words are somewhat pointless.
I need to get some pictures on here,
but I want a new camera first.
That would be sweet.
Okay, I'm done.
I hope everyone is doing good.

Oh, my last post.
God took away all of that too.
Everything I mentioned in there, gone.
Completely.
I love God. So, so, so much.

Let me elaborate.

Today was a really strange day for me.
It definitely started out rocky and carried on a bitterness with me all day.
I was in a bad mood, to put it lightly.
Walking out of my first class, I just wanted to cry.
No particular reason. I just wanted to. I could have. Glad I didn't.
Maybe because I haven't really cried in a long time.
I can't pin point my emotions, cause I never feel them anymore.
There is this outer shell I've wrapped myself up in, to where I just am invincible to all the pain... yet, also to the joy.
I know why I live. I have a reason.
But there is a difference between knowing and feeling.
A person reacts more to one thing than another, usually feeling more than knowledge.
I know, but I don't feel. That just doesn't make sense.
Right? Wrong?
I don't know.
My mind is always everywhere, but my thoughts seem to get no where.
I want to pour myself out, but I can't.
I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm holding onto something.
The whole reason for this stupid spiel is leading up to an apology.
While all of this has been floating around in my heart and mind, I've neglected relationships.
I've been treating all my friends like crap in other words.
Not only friends, but my parents as well.
I just get so caught up in what I want and how I'm feeling or not feeling, that I don't really care at all about anyone else.
Then I have all this unresolved anger that I've built up from people letting me down, that I just can't deal with it. Or with them.
So, I cower.
I'm weak, not vulnerable.
All this time I've become "tough", too tough to let anyone or anything crack my shell.
I hate it.
I have some apologies to make:
First, to anyone I've just been flat out rude to. I'm sorry. Truly. No one ever deserves for someone to say something unnecessarily harsh. No matter what mood the comment giver is. I'm the culprit of dishing out mean comments.
Secondly, my close friends. You know who you are, and you probably won't ever read this. But it's here. I'm really, really sorry. I've been pushing you away. Out of anger and out of hurt. We can talk about this later.
Last but definitely not least, God. Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm a jerk. I totally, completely forget you and try to do this all on my own. Bad idea, cause it's never worked so far. Soften me up.. again? I need you. Oh how I need you. That's putting it lightly... We'll talk more later too. Promise.
Basically I am an idiot. But I think there are a few people out there that love me. Thank you. Thank God for you. Literally.
Okay, I'm done.
I feel a little better.
Now I'm going to bed.

I'm an idiot.

I really, truly am.

Pause, Rewind.

I went to artwalk last night with some friends,
and it was really awesome.
We went to the Front Porch to watch Kyle Lacy and the Miss Celka Ojakangas (whom I haven't seen in a million year)
and for once in a really, really long time I felt really relaxed.
I've been so busy and stressed that I really haven't had the time to think straight at all.
Just standing there listening and watching them made me completely unwind and let me look at my life a little.
Though I've been really busy,
I really haven't.
Nothing I do ever seems to be productive anymore.
I never think,
I just do.
I want so, so, so much more in this life,
but I just can't.
Can't what? I'm not sure.
I keep telling myself, I'll do this when this happens.
No. Now. I need to start now, not matter what.
I can't hold myself back any longer.
I'm going to start being more productive,
less lazy,
and think more.
But in order to do so, I really need to keep someone on my mind the most.
My Savior.
I tend to forget Him all too often.
I'm a human that struggles and is imperfect in every single way,
but that doesn't matter at all to Him.
Which is so completely, utterly, magnificently... captivating.

I'm going to take a break from myspace/facebook for awhile.
They just take up too much of my time,
because I never get off. (lame, I know)
I'll get on blogger,
cause I enjoy my one-way conversations with myself. (:

Ahh.. butterscotch.