It definitely started out rocky and carried on a bitterness with me all day.
I was in a bad mood, to put it lightly.
Walking out of my first class, I just wanted to cry.
No particular reason. I just wanted to. I could have. Glad I didn't.
Maybe because I haven't really cried in a long time.
I can't pin point my emotions, cause I never feel them anymore.
There is this outer shell I've wrapped myself up in, to where I just am invincible to all the pain... yet, also to the joy.
I know why I live. I have a reason.
But there is a difference between knowing and feeling.
A person reacts more to one thing than another, usually feeling more than knowledge.
I know, but I don't feel. That just doesn't make sense.
Right? Wrong?
I don't know.
My mind is always everywhere, but my thoughts seem to get no where.
I want to pour myself out, but I can't.
I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm holding onto something.
The whole reason for this stupid spiel is leading up to an apology.
While all of this has been floating around in my heart and mind, I've neglected relationships.
I've been treating all my friends like crap in other words.
Not only friends, but my parents as well.
I just get so caught up in what I want and how I'm feeling or not feeling, that I don't really care at all about anyone else.
Then I have all this unresolved anger that I've built up from people letting me down, that I just can't deal with it. Or with them.
So, I cower.
I'm weak, not vulnerable.
All this time I've become "tough", too tough to let anyone or anything crack my shell.
I hate it.
I have some apologies to make:
First, to anyone I've just been flat out rude to. I'm sorry. Truly. No one ever deserves for someone to say something unnecessarily harsh. No matter what mood the comment giver is. I'm the culprit of dishing out mean comments.
Secondly, my close friends. You know who you are, and you probably won't ever read this. But it's here. I'm really, really sorry. I've been pushing you away. Out of anger and out of hurt. We can talk about this later.
Last but definitely not least, God. Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm a jerk. I totally, completely forget you and try to do this all on my own. Bad idea, cause it's never worked so far. Soften me up.. again? I need you. Oh how I need you. That's putting it lightly... We'll talk more later too. Promise.
Basically I am an idiot. But I think there are a few people out there that love me. Thank you. Thank God for you. Literally.
Okay, I'm done.
I feel a little better.
Now I'm going to bed.
1 comment:
I know what you are saying very much.
and just to let you know I for sure haven't caught onto this "rudeness" that you say you have been displaying.
allison... I love you a lot.
and I'm not just blowing hot air.
This year you have always been there whenever I needed to blow some steam over the dumbest of issues. And even though I'm sure that inside you, you were like
"Karasyn stop worrying about Chase!" you always will listen to me and my problems and let me get in some good venting.
I understand what you are going through.
I mean I don't know your exact situation but I know what you mean by having so much to say but you just can't pour yourself out and it gets all caught up inside you and you get frustrated and angry and hurt all because you didn't want to let go. You think that you have to act tough because you don't want to look hurt, weak, and scared.
But Allison, you're human. That's one of the big things that God has shown me this year. You have every right to be scared and frustrated. Just let it out. There are so many people out there that will definately listen to you whenever you're feeling down. I know that I will. Grady will. Lindsey will. Lesley will. heck blogger even will. :D but most importantly GOD will. Gods phone line is never busy and it's free. Ha that's something that my grandma tells me and I know it's kinda cheesy but it's oh so true. But for real if you ever want to talk I will be more than happy to listen to you and give you a big hug. Okay well this is really long, but I love you tons and tons and I will be praying for you okay?
:D Karasyn
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