I Spend too Much Time with my Head in the Clouds.

It's Christmas Eve.

I'm on here.

Looking at pointless stuff.

I want this house...

Way Down in Cocomo.

Today is Tuesday December 23rd, two days before Christmas.
Today is the day we got out of school for break, two days before Christmas...
Ridiculous? Yes.
Oh, well. I'm thankful that this day has finally arrived and that there is a slight chance there may be a white Christmas this year.
I really don't think I've ever experienced a truly white Christmas before... It sounds too perfect almost.
But Christmas is perfect, almost.
Right now everything just feels strange though.
I went upstairs and the only lights on were the ones I plugged in for the Christmas tree.
My mom's car was here, but no mom.
I didn't really look though...
Everything is dark and still.
Our garage door was open so it was freezing in my kitchen and the tile felt like blocks of ice.
Ugh.
Today was so pointless, I wish we could have stayed home.
Oh, well.
(Again)
It's not always good to get what you want...
I really have no direction with this post.
Hmm...

I miss everyone already. I'm not going to see that many people over break since I'm going to Ohio. It's going to be bittersweet though.

Hopefully I get to go to Brooke's tonight and hang out with those girls, cause I definitely love them to death. But we have family coming in... blah.

Okay, enough.
I'm going to make hot chocolate and watch Gilmore Girls.

Hooray.

Bah humbug.

There are quite a few conclusions I've came to in the last 24 hours:

1. Lying is really, really, really stupid. There is no point. You will be found out one way or another. Right now the only thing it's doing is tearing apart close friends. Not cool.

2. I love this month, but it is so stressful. It flies by so quickly it's hard to find a day to relax.

3. Sometimes I just need a girls night. I really love just talking and letting all the thoughts pour out, especially around people that won't judge me. Also, I enjoy getting butt loads of ice cream. Blockbuster is nice too.

4. Not thinking is one the hardest things to do.

5. Round three is the greatest, ever. (:

6. Wow. I'm old.

7. Life is coming at me so quickly and I can vividly remember times that I just wish I was old enough to drive, to get out of high school, to start my life. But that time seems to be starting now.

8. Writing is medicine.

9. I want to discover so much more. I want to better myself and become someone I never thought I could be. Not just for me... but for the world. Too large of a scale? Possibly.

10. My soul is content. I like it. I feel that everlasting joy that I threw away a while ago.

11. I just love my friends so very, very much. Those words have so much depth to me, I'm really not just saying it. It's just killing me that there is a wall, a segregation that is being formed amongst some. It's just so... middle school. It's aggravating. Especially since we're seen as leaders to those just a few years younger than us and what we do now concerning how we treat each other is going to rub off on those who see as role models. Then ever more dissension is stirred up... We just need to strive to be mature men and women of God; not letting our selfishness and pride get in the way of all we were made to be.

12. Everything is going to work out in the end. Promise.

13. Grady is a good lookin' fellow.

djkfhsjkd!

Today is Friday.
The second most glorious day of the week.
And I'm going to a crowded mall...
Yay?
Actually, I'm happy.
I don't really want to do anything.
This is going to be another pointless blog.
(hooray)

Ah. I want to get this place I call home renovated.
I see so many cute things...

Something old, Something new.

Our Groom is coming.

Look, ma, I got a tat.

This is Hebrew.
It means: hunt, capture, catch, captivate.

When I am eighteen, this is going on my neck.

A Walk.

The day is fading and night is closing us in,
the darkness is so bitter, yet somehow it lures me to stray...
I loosen my grip, releasing the warmth of your hand from mine.
Distressed You watch my silhouette fade into the shadows,
but they cannot come near You for you are only light.
My heart has no control, the pitch black consumes it.
My soul is filled with fear, searching every corner for some light,
but the only light I ever knew was rested in Your hand that I held no more.
I cry out for You, screaming for safety.
No answer came.

I begin digging and clawing only to feel the pain rebirth itself.
There is nothing but emptiness and the more I try to find, the more I feel lost.
The void grows deeper with every second I am not with You.
I just can't be with You for You are for too great for this piece of shame.

So I begin to run.
Hard and heavy like the beat inside my chest.
Somewhere I will find a peace, if only I keep searching.
You are far too great.
I am far too unworthy.

Suddenly I feel a hand reach out to mine.
I grab it relieved that I found something in the emptiness.
It's clasp is frigged and rough, unlike Your touch my heart has been craving.
Yet I hold on.
A deep, eerie voice whispers in my ear, seducing me walk with it.

So I walk.
Hand in hand with a new lover.
My heart can feel again, but only when the voice tells me I am his.
Where am I now?
A place that I deserve.

Something deep inside of me wants to feel Your embrace again,
but I know that may never happen; it couldn't ever happen.
Why did I leave You, my love?
Beloved why did I let go?
You have done nothing but love and care for my vulnerable soul.

My heart cannot stand the layer of rock that has surrounded every inch,
I want to break loose from this grip but mutiny would be death.
Maybe I should die for I without You I could never live again.

Suddenly I see light falling in front of my face.
Speckles of bright dust are consuming this empty place.
I feel the hand torn away and a peace inside me start to fill,
the last time I felt like this was when You held me still.
The light is filling ever crack that I had never seen before,
could it be You, oh my love, have You came once more?

My heart begins to race, I feel Your alluring spirit.
Come to me my most gracious One and fill me with Your presence.
I've longed to feel Your romance that I left in my ignorance.

Why would You come to save me, my love?
Why did You make me wait?
Why hadn't You stopped me, when You knew my inevitable fate?

Your love I could never replace or desire anything more.
Even though I walked away, You pulled me back to shore.




This is about Jesus, by the way.
Definitely not Shakespearean.
I don't really think that matters too much to Him anyways...
(:

Everything Comes Together.

Music.
One of God's most splendid creations.
That is what my day was filled with and I just can't turn it off.

I wish there was one day in the year where we could only communicate through music and lyrics...
How much more beautiful would expressing yourself become?

Ahh...

In other news...
It's suppose to snow/ice.
Oh, how I want it to.
My dad wants me to fill out college applications if we don't have school.
Scary.

I'm growing up...
My future is about to be my present.
I hope I can handle it.

Alright, Alright. Slow down.

Chapped lips.

I hate frigged weather.

Another night, I have a ton of homework, along with having to do other things and catch up with this and that.
It's just too much.
Oh, well.
Life is so great... I just wish it would slow down so I could soak up every moment.

Blah.

Just thought I would update.
That's about it?

Birthday shindig tomorrow, I'm excited.

Oh.. and I want to live in the 80's.

I love my mommy.

My role model,
My cheerleader,
My friend,
My mom.

She's just amazing.

That is all.

Eukaryotes and Home-made Salsa.

I just got done studying for my biology test tomorrow.. great, eh?
I'm overwhelmed.
On top of that I feel like my stomach is going to burst; I ate too much chips and salsa.
Everything is a mess in my "room" or whatever you call it.
I feel like everything is out of place and I just can't seem to focus.
Except for right now.
I can get all my thoughts out and clear. These are my favorite times.
The best times to spend time with Jesus and meditate on His word.
At the same time I really want to get up and start singing with the song playing on my iTunes, but that might wake up the folks.
I can't wait to get out on my own, explore the world a little.
Then get married. Oh, man. I can't wait to get married.
That's a topic for a different time.
I think what I'm trying to get at here is that even through all the chaos that seems to be surrounding me, I feel a joy inside of me that I had lost.
It could possibly be my favorite fruit of the spirit, maybe next to love.
Joy > Happiness.
I can feel it, even when the crud that goes on all around me wants to rip me to shreds.

I'm addicted, I'm needy, I'm lost without you.
As Aaron Gillespie put it so bluntly.

Amazing grace.

Ho, Ho, Ho.

What I want for Christmas:

Books.

Blardy, Blardy, Blar.

Today was one of those days where I feel it was well spent.
I did a lot. Shopping, movie seeing, shopping again, making salsa, wrapping presents, and joking around with my mommy.
Now I'm going to be cliche and say that I have a lot to be thankful for.
Well, I do.
My parents are the greatest out there.
I have friends who I treasure dearly and are always by my side.
One of my best friends is my boyfriend, that seems rare these days.
God has blessed me. That in itself says enough.
If God blesses you, then it has to be good.
My family is coming in any minute now, so I better be prepared to meet and greet.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving!
So, thanks. For reading this.

Brr.

I am starting to like this whole Fall/Winter business.
Just slightly though.

You're what I need.

God is so great.
In the stillest, calmest of moments He speaks to my heart in a way like none other.
He reassures me and embraces me with an incomparable peace.

Yesterday I was very bummed out and felt useless,
then today He reminded me of His love yet again.
He always does, I just don't want to see it.
Silly, huh?

I need to get off of here and spend some time with Him.
He deserves it.

Bah Humbug.

My life is moving incredibly slow at the moment.
But really fast at the same time.
It's strange.

I'm excited that we're almost done fixing my room and bathroom.
This basement is pretty dang creepy sometimes...

There is so much that I want to do and get done,
I just lack motivation in large amounts.
Oh, well.

That's about it,
nothing interesting, as usual.
(:

:D

Guard is tomorrow!
Then Lindsey's birthday shindig.



I want to do this.

Yeah.

Well it's Tuesday and I'm sitting here on my parent's kings size bed, watching House and trying to get started on a biology project.
I think I may have caught up on some sleep from Elevate.
Elevate. It was amazing.
I knew it would be, it always is.
If I wrote everything that happened, I'm afraid this blog would be incredibly long.
So I won't.
But I do want to say that God is truly amazing. I experienced a heavy, heavy dose of His love.
I felt His arms wrap around me, but at the same time breaking some chains.
Words could never describe the experience I had Saturday night.
It was... awesome. To put it lightly.
(:
I'm sick though. Thanks to Elevate as well.
It was worth it. Definitely.
I can't think ver straight, so my words are somewhat pointless.
I need to get some pictures on here,
but I want a new camera first.
That would be sweet.
Okay, I'm done.
I hope everyone is doing good.

Oh, my last post.
God took away all of that too.
Everything I mentioned in there, gone.
Completely.
I love God. So, so, so much.

Let me elaborate.

Today was a really strange day for me.
It definitely started out rocky and carried on a bitterness with me all day.
I was in a bad mood, to put it lightly.
Walking out of my first class, I just wanted to cry.
No particular reason. I just wanted to. I could have. Glad I didn't.
Maybe because I haven't really cried in a long time.
I can't pin point my emotions, cause I never feel them anymore.
There is this outer shell I've wrapped myself up in, to where I just am invincible to all the pain... yet, also to the joy.
I know why I live. I have a reason.
But there is a difference between knowing and feeling.
A person reacts more to one thing than another, usually feeling more than knowledge.
I know, but I don't feel. That just doesn't make sense.
Right? Wrong?
I don't know.
My mind is always everywhere, but my thoughts seem to get no where.
I want to pour myself out, but I can't.
I'm angry. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm holding onto something.
The whole reason for this stupid spiel is leading up to an apology.
While all of this has been floating around in my heart and mind, I've neglected relationships.
I've been treating all my friends like crap in other words.
Not only friends, but my parents as well.
I just get so caught up in what I want and how I'm feeling or not feeling, that I don't really care at all about anyone else.
Then I have all this unresolved anger that I've built up from people letting me down, that I just can't deal with it. Or with them.
So, I cower.
I'm weak, not vulnerable.
All this time I've become "tough", too tough to let anyone or anything crack my shell.
I hate it.
I have some apologies to make:
First, to anyone I've just been flat out rude to. I'm sorry. Truly. No one ever deserves for someone to say something unnecessarily harsh. No matter what mood the comment giver is. I'm the culprit of dishing out mean comments.
Secondly, my close friends. You know who you are, and you probably won't ever read this. But it's here. I'm really, really sorry. I've been pushing you away. Out of anger and out of hurt. We can talk about this later.
Last but definitely not least, God. Oh man. Oh man. Oh man. I'm a jerk. I totally, completely forget you and try to do this all on my own. Bad idea, cause it's never worked so far. Soften me up.. again? I need you. Oh how I need you. That's putting it lightly... We'll talk more later too. Promise.
Basically I am an idiot. But I think there are a few people out there that love me. Thank you. Thank God for you. Literally.
Okay, I'm done.
I feel a little better.
Now I'm going to bed.

I'm an idiot.

I really, truly am.

Pause, Rewind.

I went to artwalk last night with some friends,
and it was really awesome.
We went to the Front Porch to watch Kyle Lacy and the Miss Celka Ojakangas (whom I haven't seen in a million year)
and for once in a really, really long time I felt really relaxed.
I've been so busy and stressed that I really haven't had the time to think straight at all.
Just standing there listening and watching them made me completely unwind and let me look at my life a little.
Though I've been really busy,
I really haven't.
Nothing I do ever seems to be productive anymore.
I never think,
I just do.
I want so, so, so much more in this life,
but I just can't.
Can't what? I'm not sure.
I keep telling myself, I'll do this when this happens.
No. Now. I need to start now, not matter what.
I can't hold myself back any longer.
I'm going to start being more productive,
less lazy,
and think more.
But in order to do so, I really need to keep someone on my mind the most.
My Savior.
I tend to forget Him all too often.
I'm a human that struggles and is imperfect in every single way,
but that doesn't matter at all to Him.
Which is so completely, utterly, magnificently... captivating.

I'm going to take a break from myspace/facebook for awhile.
They just take up too much of my time,
because I never get off. (lame, I know)
I'll get on blogger,
cause I enjoy my one-way conversations with myself. (:

Ahh.. butterscotch.

life is great:

my friends are incredible.
my boyfriend is amazing.
marching band is over, but i miss it already. it was such a great season.
school is a little less hectic.

but most of all,
God is good.
good is such a bad adjective when its used too much,
and for the wrong things.
but God... He is just good.
good = God.
think about it...

(:

I have not written anything in a long time.
Mainly because I've been so insanely busy...
I'm sick of being busy and tired.

Tonight was good though,
this weekend was good.
Good is such a bad adjective...

I'm done,
I need sleep.

More importantly,
I need Jesus.

when it rains, it pours.

today my mind has been racing like crazy.
i've just been thinking about so many things...

1. i can't wait to get married.
i know that sounds freaky and weird for me to be thinking that when i have quite a few years before i should even be considering such a thing.
but i can't help but think about it...
finding that one person that you love more than anyone else in the world is the closest we're going to get to understanding God's love for us.
and thats just one drop in the bucket of how much He really loves us.
call me crazy... but i just can't wait.
living with my best friend, all the stinkin time.
yea, i really can't wait.

2. wow. i don't know what to call it.
i guess God has just been giving me signs or pictures lately.
i was sitting at a stop light yesterday and i was at the very front of the row of cars,
and i just stared at the cars passing in front of me.
they were all so different and ever person in them had something going on in their mind.
there were things on their mind that were killing them,
they were stressing,
they were in pain somehow.
i feel like i was looking into their souls for just a glimpse and there was just this eerie feeling that overtook me.
our world is in so much pain...

then i was driving some more that day.
it began to rain, but the sun was still out and it was still bright.
i would end up driving to an area where it wasn't raining, then an area where it was.
i feel like God was trying to tell me something then too.
that i just can't figure out though.
maybe He was saying that even though you go through times where its "raining" in your life, there are always times when you don't.
and all the time you go through these times He's still there shining.

i just don't know though....

then i had another dream about storms this morning.
i don't want a storm to come my way :/
i feel like i just got out of one.

3. people.
how can people change what they believe so quickly?
lose hold of it?
ugh. it drives me crazy.
if you experience something you can't deny it.
so why do you drop it like its hot?
everything you built up is just gone... something they stood for and believe in is just nothing.
i don't freakin get it.

4. happiness vs joy.
i'm not sure if i've hit a new level of joy in my life or if this is just temporary happiness.
whatever it is... i feel good.
i think that i've become a stronger person and i'm learning from my mistakes.
i'm making slight changes in my life and i think they're paying off.
maybe God is just giving me more joy... cause it just feels like its something deeper.
ahh... i love my God.
i have no idea what the crud He's doing half the time, but i love it.
weird? nahh...

there is a lot more on my mind,
but that just sums it up.

now i'm going to read,
fall alseep,
and go to church in the morning.

i love weekends.
(:

hello?
i'm still here.
i can see you, but you just refuse to look at me.

life is so great right now.
today i had a really good day,
me and lindsey hung out... and we got in a lot of much needed girl talk.
last night was amazingly great too.
for sooo many reasons.
i'm just excited to be living.
and i love this feeling.
i'm happy.
even better,
i have a whole lot of joy.
everything is so beautiful.

:D

people are dying.
people are compromising their faith.
people are scared.
people are making it "acceptable."
people will fail you...

including myself.

thank goodness i have someone who won't fail me.

I feel like crap.
I want to hide under a rock.
So many things are happening at once and I just can't get a hold of anything.

But God's there,
holding my hand.
...so its going to be okay.

Eventually.

I have an english project that I practically forgot all about,
which i have to do.
I'm going to be up late...
School bothers me. It just gets in the way of everything I have to do.
Bllllah...
Okay, enough complaining.
Today was suppose to be our first tennis match, but it got rained out, which was okay with me because I got to do cartwheels and hop around in the rain.
Then I went to Hobby Lobby before taking my dear Coco home.
Now I am sitting here telling myself I need to get started with the project.
But where do I start?
Starting is the hardest part of anything.

I love music. It captures my heart.

I always talk about how I want to change to really happen in my life. How I need something much deeper that just picks at my soul until I can't stand it anymore. I don't think I've realized how quickly God has answered my prayer.
Lately, I just feel like everything is absolutely pointless, except for one thing: living for my Savior.
I've always believed that and I've always tried to apply that to my life, but now, its more than just believing and applying. If thats even possible? Maybe its just that I believe it even more and I have a greater desire to apply it to my life.
But, everything has just lost its value to me.
Things I thought were important just don't even matter.
Things that "entertained" me and brought earthly happiness to my life, just don't even matter.
I've become so incredibly sick of this world, but I know that I'm here for a reason, and I have to make every minute count.
There is this desire in my soul that I can't really control or even understand.
Its there... its nagging. Maybe its just the Holy Spirit trying to really just mess me up... and that makes me excited. (:
I'm really excited.
This world is about to explode.

well, first day of school... and it really wasn't all that terrible.
my classes seem to be okay.
i really like english, because i have some pretty amazing people in there.
but, i feel a tad bit overwhelmed. thats the only problem...
because i have a lot of hard classes,
and i'm not going to have a life at all this year.
oh, well.... i guess its all worth it.
this weekend is going to be so much fun,
and i realllly can't wait.

i'm going to try and keep a good attitude this week,
and just love people.
its the first week of school and people are aggravated and annoyed,
but maybe i can help make a bad situation better?

i don't know...

oh, how time flies by.

So I've been thinking...
There's a lot I don't know about myself.
kldfjgkldjfg
whatever, forget punctuation.
this is me, completely raw.
i don't understand how i just can't figure out the deepest of my thoughts.
i lack focus. i lack determination.
but then i look at other people, and realize that maybe i'm really not that out of focus.
annnd then i look at other other people and see how out of focus i am.
role models. i have a lot of them, and all for different reasons.
because none of them are completely perfect, but there sure are parts of their lives that are near perfect.
but that's just how God made us, perfect in some ways.
in all the other ways we need to strive to be like Him who is completely perfect.
there are so many things i want to do in my life, but that means i really have to work on those parts that aren't near perfect at all.
i'll never be near as wonderful as God... but thats okay. He doesn't ask for perfection, He just asks that we try.
when we stumble we need to get back up.
but when i stumble, i like to sit there for a little while and really examine how much that fall hurt. then i can't brush myself off as fast.
i reflect. i live in the past. i make doubt my home.
that makes it so much easier to fall again when your eyes are on the ground where you fell, because if you don't keep your head up, you can't see whats in front of you.
ahhh... i have to end this short.
but there are still sooo many more thoughts up there.

I got my phone taken away, again. At least this time I have a different outlook on the whole situation. Maybe I'll get it back soon... maybe not. I could kinda care less to be honest.
Grady is officially my "favoriteist person in the world" (and vice versa)
I have band camp... again... today... blah.
I really don't think anyone reads this blog.

Arrrriba!

I'm not always right.
I argue a lot.
I hate being wrong.
I don't think before I speak.
Its hard for me to tell people how I really feel.
I want more than I need.
I wish I could hear things clearer.
My words are empty a lot of the time.
I have too many thoughts on my mind.
I hate confrontation.
I like to hide.
I want to live.

I have come to realize that our mall has nothing.
There are about a hundred stores and I can barely find one thing that I actually kinda like.
The sad thing about it is that there is just too much, too much of nothing.
I feel like I use that with my words a lot of the time; there I use too many words but they really don't have much substance.
This is probably why I don't understand so many things and that I get caught up in too much.
Wow, a never thought a trip to the mall would make me think of this.
(Deep moment)
Anyways... in other news:
There is this one person who I just can't figure out at all and its really starting to get to me.
My body has never been so sore for such a long amount of time.
I get to sleep in tomorrow. :)
Taco Bell is sitting on the floor right next to me, but I am not hungry at all.
Life seems to just be floating on by.
My mom was telling me in the car that she was trying to think of things she remembered from her junior year and she couldn't come up with much. Great. Another year of my life is going to fly by.
Uhh... I really can't wait to curl up and read a book, because I haven't done that in a lonnng time. Well, thats about it.
OH! Only one more week of band camp left...

and
I really want to go to a concert. Bad.

i've been listening to the same sappy love song all day.

:/

well, i'm working on this whole making my blog pretty type thing.
its not really working out to the greatest.
anyways...
band camp is almost halfway over (oh joy) and my muscles are aching less.
i have to get some much overdue shots tomorrow, which i am dreading incredibly.
ugh... i really have nothing else to talk about.
i need some excitement in my life.

Its another sunday afternoon, and i'm just sitting here on the computer like usual. I think Sundays are my favorite days because i do almost nothing all day. Not to mention thats how God wanted it anyways. I think I've finally really learned why He wants us to rest on this day. We get caught up in all the other stuff we "have" to do, that we don't give ourselves time to just take a deep breath. I do that way too often. But when you have that moment where you can just clear out your thoughts, you're able to sort things out. God gave me a great day to do that. Which was today.
Chelsea gets home today, which means Jasmine gets to go home. I've kinda grown attached to this little dog. I think discipleship is going to be pretty great tonight, I'm excited.
School is in less than two weeks I believe. Blah.
Life is just flying past me. I'm going to a junior. Upperclassman. I'm not ready.
I want everything to slow down, because I just want to enjoy every minute of life.

I also want a new camera. Christmas just can't come too soon.